If it's a gadget, we review it. Learn what gadgets are hot and what's not! http://allgadgetsreviewed.com Back in the day, Biff was quite good with the fisticuffs, knocked out many and was the undisputed, undefeated Littleweight boxing champion in the 3-8lbs weight division. Since his retirement, Biff has turned to the way of the TAO, but will Enlighten you since you’re only using this information for educational purposes and not so you can strike fear in the schoolyard bully who’s given you one too many wedgies. *DISCLAIMER* Biff the Brain does not condone violence in any way, shape or form. With that said, to knock someone out with a punch, you need to hit them in the jaw where there is a cranial nerve just behind the mandible. When this nerve is struck correctly with force, it causes trauma to the brain stem, surges an electrical storm throughout the body that short circuits the nerves, and as a result, causes unconsciousness. It’s not as easy at it sounds and there is a definite technique to it, so to find out more information, join a gym and get a proper boxing or MMA coach to teach you how to get that “snap” into your punch. Don’t bother asking Biff for personal coaching, as he stated above, he’s now retired! ~ Biff “Lights out” Cerebelum http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=29 Biff’s vast intelligence might not have been so vast today if it wasn’t for a chronic farter. Back in college Biff spent 95% of his time at the campus Library because, when his roommate “Stinky Steve” let one rip, he could literally paralyze a small rodent from across the room. Now Biff is not saying that your gas is as bad as Steve’s, but if it is, the *following Biff Tips might help you in case you might want to get a pet hamster in the future without having to worry about it’s safety. 1- Eat Small, Eat Slow and Chew, Chew, Chew. Don’t overeat, eat slowly and chew your food while counting to 30 in your head after each bite before swallowing. 2- Keep a Food Diary Keep track of all of the foods you eat and what type of reaction you have to them. e.g.: - Yogurt with Granola: No Gas = Good - Grilled Salmon & Cucumber Salad: No Gas = Good - 3 Bean Burrito: Lots of Gas that killed my houseplant = Bad! 3- Combine Well Certain foods go good together and certain foods could cause gas that will peel the paint off your walls. So combine smart, combine well and combine alone in the confines of your home until you figure what works together and what doesn’t. 4- Cut Certain Carbs Some carbohydrates (sugars, white flour, white potatoes…) are harder for your body to break down and could make strangers feel faint when standing behind you in a small elevator. So pay close attention to your food diary entries and do us elevator users a courtesy by using the stairs until you figure out which carbs are giving you the farts. 5- Stay Hydrated Drink lots of water throughout the day but don’t drink it with your meals. Too much water consumed with a meal will dilute hydrochloric acid in your stomach, making your food harder digest and in turn, give you gas. Until your gas expulsions slow down and are under control, stop worrying about it. Farting is not bad, unless you’re on a date with someone you like. But if it’s one of those “blind dates” where your aunt sets you up with her Bingo Buddy’s Encyclopedia Salesman son, then it might be a blessing in disguise. ~ Odorless Biff * If the above tips don’t reduce your gas, consult your doctor to make sure you don’t have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) or some other illness. http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=43 Before you go off singing in the rain like Fred Astaire during a big storm, thinking your ¼ inch thick rubber galoshes will protect you from the lightning flashes overhead that contain up to 100 million volts of electricity, Biff needs to Enlighten you. Out of the 500+ people struck by lightning each year in the U.S., many were wearing some form of “rubber soled footwear”. Your average lightning flash carries between 10,000 to 200,000 AMPS of charge that can light a 100 watt light bulb for up to 3 months, so as beautiful as certain storms are, they can also be extremely dangerous. It is true that, unlike water and metal, rubber is a very poor conductor of electricity, but the odds of it protecting you from a 50,000 °F bolt of lightning are about as good as Mariah Carey winning an Oscar for her work in “Glitter 2: the Sequel”. If you’re a gambler and like those odds, enjoy your walk. ~ Electrified Biff http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=34 Congratulation Cody! Biff is officially awarding you with the “Strangest Question of the Week Award”, but your assumption that this is a “new” thing is incorrect since training your cat to use the toilet has been around for decades. Most feline owners tend to use a litter box since it’s the easier way of letting your cat take care of its business, but if you’ve got the time and patience to go through with this, here are the steps that Biff recommends for a litter free household. Step One: Begin moving your cats litter box slowly towards the bathroom (1 to 3 feet per day). If you move it too fast, you’ll have accidents so be patient and let your cat adapt. Step Two: Once the cat’s box is in the bathroom beside the toilet, add a smaller box/bowl beside the larger one (make sure it’s small enough to fit INSIDE the toilet but big enough for your cat to do his/her deed). Fill the smaller box with litter until your cat gets used to it (a day or two), and then remove the big box. Step Three: Now you need to start elevating the new box until it’s at the same height as the toilets seat. Begin with a few books, then place it on a small cardboard box, then a small chair… and then place it on top of the toilet lid. (Make sure each elevation is secure and has a stable platform so your cat has enough room to move around the litter box). Step Four: Place the box inside of the toilet bowl with the seat and lid up. Step Five: Leave the box inside of the toilet bowl but put the seat down, lid up. Your cat will still jump inside the box but after a few days, it should begin to use the toilet seat. Step Six: When your cat is comfortably using the toilet seat, you can remove the litter box inside. If your cat can’t get used to using the toilet seat or you want to keep him/her from falling in, see the “Relevant items that are Biff approved” links below to pick up a “cat seat” for your pets safety. After doing all of the above steps, you have to ask yourself Cody, will that take care of your initial issue? Unless you plan on teaching "Trixie" to flush the toilet, flick on the bathroom fan and/or possibly light a match when she's done, Biff is afraid you'll still be returning home after a long days work to a stench filled apartment... only it won't be to the stink of litter. Happy teaching. ~ Scented Biff http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=41 Dear Whats-er-face, Biff once forgot his own brothers name, so he understands where you’re coming from. Being a super genius and having the vast amount of important information overloading his lobes, it’s not always easy for Biff to squeeze in extra data, let alone names. There are several tricks you could use but Biffs favorite is "Association". When you’re introduced to someone, if you immediately try to find an association that begins with the same letter as their name, it’ll be that much easier for you. If you can find something that rhymes with their name, you’re golden! Face Association is the oldest trick in the book, where you look at a persons face and pick out their most prominent feature like their big nose, bald head or yellow teeth. The more it stands out, the more you’ll remember. So, if you meet Donna who has a chubby face, you can remember her as “Double Chin Donna”. If you meet Mike, who has a bad 80's style haircut, you can remember him as “Mike the Mullet”. Or Chelsea, who has a thicker beard than your father, you can remember her as “Chelsea Chewbacca”. Now Biff understands that you’re pretty limited with “Facial Feature Associations”, especially when it comes to matching the beginning letter of their name with a prominent feature, so here are a few more “associations” that will get you out of a pinch… Random Association – You meet Steve who has a stain on his shirt... You can remember him as “Sloppy Steve”. Smell Association – You meet Paula who wears too much perfume... You can remember her as “Pungent Paula”. Hollywood Association – You meet Jeff who’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer... You can associate his with Jeff Spicoli (Fast Times at Ridgemont High). Rhyme Association- You meet Connie who’s got bigger arms that most of your football buddies… You can remember her as Brawny Connie. You don’t have to be nice when trying to associate something, in fact the harsher you are, the more likely you’ll remember it. Now a word of caution... It is VITAL that you not let your “Association Key Word” slip out when you meet said person again or “Gorilla face Gary” might give you a fat lip. ~ Bodacious Biff http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=39 To break into the #1 MMA organization of the fastest growing sport in history, you need three things, and no, Biff is not talking about a Mohawk, beer belly and killer right hand like Chuck Lidell. The three critical things you’ll need to one day fight in the UFC, are: 1- Training 2- Skill 3- Determination 1. TRAINING The first thing Biff suggests is that you find a gym that trains the fundamentals for a good MMA base (Boxing, Wrestling, Muay Tai, Jiu Jitsu) and it wouldn’t hurt if the gym also has some established professional fighters. If there isn’t one in your town, move. 2. SKILL After training for 6 months to a year, enter a local amateur show to get some experience and see where your skill level is at. If you’re 0 for 20, Biff suggests that you consider a desk job, since you obviously have more heart that talent. However, if you’re good and string a bunch of wins together, the next step is to turn pro. Join a dedicated fight team, get a manager who will set up some fights for you and once you rack up an impressive record as a pro, send in a video of your fights to the UFC and cross your fingers. 3. DETERMINATION If you’re patient, persistent, have a tolerance for pain and can take a punch, you’ll still be years away from your UFC debut, but you’ll be on the right track. Continue learning, training, winning, enter as many big shows as you possibly can and you’ll eventually get noticed. The very best athletes of ANY sport don’t become elite overnight and there is no shortcut to becoming a UFC fighter. If you’re willing to put in the years of blood, sweat and tears, you might one day reach your dream of bleeding on the octagon mat. ~ Biffy Kimura http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=32 Back in College, Biff was always known for his super genius, but he was also revered as the Brain who’s never had a hangover. Now there are many things that you can do to keep the “bed spins” at bay and the most obvious answer would be… DON’T DRINK! Chances are you won't listen to the Biffster since you probably have a low tolerance for peer pressure and use a keg for a pillow, so here are a few things you can do to make the not so memorable night, one you won’t regret. THE NIGHT OF: 1- Have a big meal before binging. 2- Drink a glass of water between alcoholic drinks, (you'll look like a wuss, but you'll thank Biff in the morning). 3- DO NOT MIX DRINKS!!! 4- Stop drinking an hour or more before going to bed. 5- Drink 5 glasses of water before turning in. THE NEXT DAY: 1- Sleep in as long as you possibly can. 2- Drink Gatorade or Pedialyte (Yeah, that's right, the children's electrolytes drink). 3- Eat a few banana's to replenish the potassium you lost from the many trips to the washroom the night before. 4- Eat some toast/crackers with honey on them. 5- Use a cold compress. These tips were almost as important to Biff's roommate as his fake I.D., so read them, learn them and live them. ~ Brewskie Biff http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=37 Since you have blasphemed by comparing the “Gods of Rock” to a couple aerobic dancing, lip-synching frauds with bad hair, Biff does not want to answer this question about his favorite band, but will do so, only because he's taken a vow to "Enlighten". The truth of the matter is, the great Led Zeppelin, have indeed “borrowed” some lyrics, riffs and song titles from a few artists. Okay, from MANY artists! The thing that has everyone’s knickers in a bunch, aside from the “borrowing/ripping off/stealing”, is that they didn’t give any credit to the original songwriters/recording artists. In fact, they had the audacity to claim the material as their own. Led Zeppelin’s first U.S. single and only *U.S. Top 10 Hit, “Whole Lotta Love” was heavily influenced by the song “You Need Loving” from the group Small Faces, a 60’s band that Zeppelin modeled themselves after. “You Need Loving” was a straightforward interpretation from Willie Dixon’s blues song “You Need Love”, which was recorded by Muddy Waters in 1962. Like Led Zeppelin, Small Faces credited themselves for the songwriting, so apparently, that sort of thing happened a lot in the smoky haze of the hippie days. Unfortunately, the most bootlegged band of all time had a bad habit of “lifting” tunes and not giving the proper credits. Here are some other Led Zeppelin classics that were tainted with plagiarism. - “Black Mountain Side” – (“Black Water Side” by Bert Jansch) - “Dazed And Confused” – (“Dazed And Confused” by Jake Holmes) - “The Lemon Song” – (“Killing Floor” by Howlin' Wolf) - “Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You” – (“Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You” by Anne Bredon) - “Stairway to Heaven” – (Intro of "Taurus" by Spirit) - “I Can't Quit You Baby” – (“I Can't Quit You Baby” by Willie Dixon) - … and countless others… Whew! That was a lot harder to divulge than Biff had imagined, but he's wiped away his tears and is proud to say that after many lawsuits and settlements in the 1990’s, Led Zeppelin are now giving the proper credits to the original artists. ~ Biff “ZoSo” Cerebellum *A lot of their most popular songs were not released as singles http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=31 Biff recommends that you arm yourself with some Tic Tacs until you get this matter under control and be grateful that you girlfriend is only refusing to kiss you and not trade you in for a Listerine salesman. When your mouth smells like a sweaty gym sock it's usually because of bacteria. Biff is assuming that you own a toothbrush and brush regularly so we'll skip over that part and get right down to it. You need to floss regularly and get yourself a tongue scraper. Scrape as far back as you possibly can since most of the stinky bacteria hang out in the back of your tongue. You might gag but at least you'll now know how your girlfriend feels when you try to move in with one of your funky smelling kisses. Rinse with some Hydrogen peroxide (one capful) and some water. You can also chew some parsley or sugarless gum after and between meals. Bad breath can also be caused by a dry mouth, so be sure to drink plenty of water throughout the day. If your breath still smells like rotten eggs after a few weeks, Biff suggests that you have pity on your poor girlfriends olfactory system by keeping your distance from her until you see a dentist to make sure that you don't have any tooth or gum disease. ~ Aquafresh Biff http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=30 Biff knows how tempted you are to pop that sucker right now but don't do it! Squeezing a zit that is not mature and below the skin surface could lead to a great big, nasty flare-up and if that happens, you'll find yourself in yet another dating dry spell. If you dig at that puppy and it's under the surface, you could force bacteria further down into the pimple causing more infection and most likely, a huge breakout in a couple of days. Then you'll be calling yourself "Pizzaface Princess" instead of "Preppy". The first thing Biff suggests, would be to put a hot compress on the zit for 2 minutes to open the pores, then apply cold water to close the pores. Repeat this process 10 times and then dab the infected area with an alcohol soaked cotton ball. If the zit isn't gone the next morning, try the old "Head and Shoulders" trick. Wash your face thoroughly to remove excess dirt and oils from your pores, then lather and apply some "Head and Shoulders" shampoo directly on the zit itself. Do this twice a daily and keep the infected area as dry as possible. Another thing you could try would be to apply some pure honey on the pimple for 5 minutes every night before going to bed. And as always, drink a lot of water. ~ Unblemished Biff http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=28 Last night, Biff was out on the town with his cousin Ernie and some friends. After a few hours at “Club IQ”, Biff was astounded at how many in his entourage had failed to get any digits from the overwhelming number of females in the place. Biff hadn’t seen so many strikeouts since his local “Farsighted Firefoxes” baseball team went an entire season without a single run scored. Now a little known fact about Biff is that, he is extremely popular overseas, we’re talking “Elvis” popular (especially in Paris), but not for the reason you might think. You see, even though he is noted throughout the world for his super intelligence, in Europe, he’s more suitably known for his “Don Juan” capabilities. After witnessing last nights “No-hitter”, you’re obviously not alone Steve, so for all you single guys who don’t want to live in your parents basement for the rest of your lives, here are Biff’s top 7 ways to get a girl’s phone number. 1- Smile and be confident. If you’re hunched over in the corner of the club with your head down, chances are you’ll once again, be going home alone. Body language is extremely important so stand up straight, shoulders back and exude confidence with a smile. 2- Make eye contact and then your move. Once you pick out a woman who you’d like to approach, make eye contact, smile and if she reciprocates, approach immediately without hesitation (so you don’t have time talk yourself out of it). Strike up a conversation with her but DO NOT use any pickup lines. Trust Biff on this one, doozies like, “Your smile is so sweet you just gave me a cavity” aren’t as effective as they used to be. 3- Have a sense of humor. Now Biff is not suggesting that you tell knock, knock jokes or ask her to pull your finger. If you bring some fun humor to the conversation and get her laughing, you’re definitely on the right track. 4- Don’t overdo it. If you’re fidgeting, stuttering and showering her with endless compliments about how “hot” she is, you’ll most likely come off as lonely and desperate. If you act like you are out of her league, you will appear that way, so stay calm and be yourself. 5- Listen closely. When you strike up a conversation with a woman, don’t just sit there thinking of your next cheesy line. Look into her eyes, pay attention and show a genuine interest in what she’s saying. If you stumble here, she’ll lose interest FAST! 6- Watch for signs. If she shows some of the following signs, you’re pretty much a shoo-in to get her number so always be aware of what she’s doing. If she: - Leans towards you while you’re talking. - Plays with, flips or tosses her hair. - Keeps her eyes locked on you while she’s talking or drinking. - Laughs at everything you say. - Mirrors your body movements. - Touches your arm or forearm while you’re talking. - Plays with a piece of her jewelry…. Congratulations! You’re ready to move on to step #7. However, if she: - Is not paying attention to you and looking elsewhere. - Crosses her arms while you’re talking with her. - Leans back away from you - Rolls her eyes when you approach or are talking with her… … Go back to step #1. 7- Pull the trigger. After all of your hard work, if you find that you would like to get to know her a little better, in a calm relaxed tone, ask her for her number so you can call her sometime. The fact of the matter is, women usually know within the first minute whether or not they’d like to get to know you better so, the steps 3 to 7 are often be moot. Like baseball, you won’t hit the ball 100% of the time, but Biff will guarantee that you won’t hit a single pitch if you don’t swing at all… So, batter up! ~ Babe Magnet Biff http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=27 Back when Biff was a wee lad, his father had a full head of healthy flowing hair and once the “grays” came in, he started dyeing it. As the years and dyeing went on, it all fell out and now, good old Biff Sr. wishes he had hair... ANY hair! Grays, sprouts, heck, he’d even settle for the "horseshoe" look! When you apply “chemicals” to any part of your body, it’s not going to be good for your health, and that’s exactly what hair dyes are… chemicals. Hair dyes may also be carcinogenic (especially the darker permanent dyes), so take caution and listen to your co-worker. If you MUST dye your hair and/or don’t care too much about your health, you could use some “natural” hair dyes that contain fewer chemicals. They’re not as effective but also not as harmful. The more effective the natural hair dye is, the more chemicals it most likely contains. You could always pull the "Bob Barker” (Price is Right) look, and go Au Natural! Or better yet, if you have ruggedly handsome features, you could pull a “Biff the Brain”, and go the Cue Ball route. The good news is, you have options! The vedict? Dying your hair is bad for your health! ~ Phalacrosis Biff http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=26 The first thing that Biff suggests is that you change the way you talk and think about yourself. You reap what you sow, therefore, if you think in terms of defeatism and self-doubt, you’re probably not too high up on other students’ “fun people to invite to a party” list! The next thing to do is to print off the “Biff’s Top 7 Self Esteem Boosters” and follow each step like a paparazzi would follow an underage, rehabbing celebrity. Biff’s Top 7 “Self Esteem Boosters” 1- Be Generous Go out and do something nice for someone less fortunate that yourself! If that doesn’t make you feel better, take off your “I kick puppies” T-shirt and go to some sensitivity classes. 2- Clean out the Trash Avoid negative people and things like the plague! 3- Tally up your Achievements Write down some of your previous achievements (Education, Relationships, Friends, Jobs, Children…), and be proud. 4- Snowball your Confidence Do something you’re good at and do it often. Success builds off of success, so set up small goals for yourself, complete them and watch your confidence soar. 5- Outweigh the Negatives For every single negative belief you have about yourself, write out 3 positive beliefs. (If you can’t think of any, write out beliefs that you want to achieve for yourself in the near future). 6- Affirm, Affirm, Affirm As soon as you wake up in the morning and right before you go to bed, look into the mirror and say something positive to yourself. Repeat this affirmation throughout the day, but don’t just say it… FEEL it. 7- Surround yourself with Confident People Not only are you a product of your thoughts, you’re also a product of your environment, so be selective of your friends and surroundings. *BONUS* 8- Take care of yourself Exercise, eat right and only do things that’ll make you feel good! The above steps will not only make you more positive, but they’ll almost make you as confident as a bikini clad, plump Britney Spears, performing at the 2007 VMA Awards. Good luck. ~ Biffy Motivation http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=25 Biff is here to help Sophia, so try to relax. Just because your child looks like she shampooed her hair with a big piece of toffee, don’t go reaching for the scissors just yet. The 3 year old “Kojak look” is not in style this season. Everything you need to get your daughters coiffure back to normal can be found right in your kitchen, so try one or all of the following Biff tips to “remove gum from hair”: 1. Apply ice to the gum until it becomes hard, then begin to break off the pieces of gum until it is all gone. 2. Rub some peanut butter into the gum and hair, let it sit for a few minutes and gently begin combing it out. 3. Cover the gummy area with cooking oil (spray can or bottle) for 3 minutes and then comb out. Having her hair coated with gum, peanut butter and/or cooking oil in a 24 hour period might confuse your child into thinking that her head is a dinner plate, so be sure to explain that tonight’s Spaghetti and Meatballs is to be eaten and not worn as a hat. ~ Sticky Biff http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=24 Last night, while shopping at his local grocery store, Biff was approached by a young lady who recognized him from his racy paparazzi pics featuring Paris and Lindsey in the latest Rag Mags. After an autograph and iPhone photo, she asked that exact question. Now being a former student who’s helped a lot of friends get out of major debt, Biff felt compelled to Enlighten this young woman with the following “Improve your Credit” formula and change her life forever. 1- Pay your Bills on time. (Biff can’t stress how important this point is). 2- Reduce your overall debt. (Keep your outstanding debt to a minimum and your score will go up). 3- Keep your credit card balance below 25%. (If you have a card with a credit limit of $10000, keep your balance below $2500) 4- Do not cancel existing credit cards once they’re paid off. (Rather than closing your account, cut up the cards. This will lengthen your credit history, which is very important). 5- If you don’t have a credit card, get one. (Apply for one with a local retailer, department store or gas station. Use it responsibly, often and make payments on time. Do not just pay the minimum and remember the 25% rule ~ see #3 above). 6- Apply for a small loan at a bank. (Pay it off over a 6 month period to build up a good history.). 7- Avoid bankruptcy! (This “easy way out” is one of the worst things you can do for your credit score). Digging yourself out of that deep muddy hole of dept won’t happen overnight since it took you a while to get into such a mess in the first place. Consider the above steps as the rungs on the ladder that will lead you to the freedom from overdue bills, debt collectors and repo men… The more steps you take, the sooner you’ll be up and out of that dark smelly place, so start climbing! ~ Biff “849 Credit Score” Cerebellum http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=23 Before you throw your computer out of your 64th story office window because it’s running slower than the yearly “Sloth and Snail Race” at the Nebraska State Fair, Biff suggests that you try the following things first. 1- Upgrade your RAM. (You want an absolute MINIMUM of 64 MB) 2- Remove all unwanted/unused programs. 3- Defrag your drive two to four times a month. 4- Update your hardware drivers regularly. 5- Use a basic Wallpaper. (A detailed one will only slow your system down) 6- Turn off Animations. (They’re neat but suck up precious speed) 7- Lower your screen resolution. (Your screen won’t be as pretty but it will speed things up) If these basic tips don’t make your PC run faster, proceed with the tossing and go buy yourself a Mac. ~ Swift Biff http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=22 When Biff was living on the remote Hawaiian island of Medulla-oblon-ga-we, he owned the “Cerebral Tiki Café” we’re he specialized in healthy foods and cooked exclusively with Virgin Coconut Oil, a "medicine food” in those parts. Because it is primarily a saturated oil, you’re probably wondering how Biff can claim it is healthy for you. The fact is, oil from Coconuts, a "plant" source, acts differently than the saturated fat from an "animal" source. Not only is Coconut Oil good for you, it provides many health benefits such as: - It protects you from heart disease, cancer, and other degenerative conditions. - Improves digestion and absorption of fat soluble vitamins, minerals and amino acids. - Is a natural antioxidant and protects the body from free radical damage and prevents premature aging and degenerative diseases. - Helps the body heal and repair faster, supports the immune system. - Helps prevent, bacterial, viral and fungal infections, osteoporosis, wrinkling of the skin, controls diabetes and much, much more. Biff especially likes the fact that Virgin Coconut Oil promotes weight loss and keeps his waistline slim and trim. Where else do you think Biff got his “Adonis-like” body? Sure, there are the 1000+ daily sit-ups, but Virgin Coconut Oil also increases your metabolic rate and is used by the body to produce energy instead of being stored as body fat. Aloha and happy cooking. ~ Biff http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=21 Pay up Sweet Tooth. There’s only one thing that frightens Biff more than a ruffle collared, red nose Circus Clown, and that’s, Aspartame! Aspartame wasn't approved by the FDA until 1981, when Dr. Arthur Hull Hayes was hired to replace the old FDA Commissioner. Despite the fact that a Board of Inquiry recommended against approving Aspartame because tests showed that it caused brain tumors and seizures in poor little lab rats, Dr. Hayes overruled them and approved the sweetener. In 1994, Aspartame accounted for more than 75% of all adverse reactions reported to the FDA's Adverse Reaction Monitoring System. Symptoms could include high blood pressure, chest pains, seizures, convulsions, depression, chronic fatigue, asthma, weight gain, abdominal pain, headaches, migraines, anxiety, brain cancer and even death. Today, it’s an ingredient used in approximately 6,000 consumer foods and beverages sold worldwide and is commonly used in diet soft drinks. YUM! Aspartame may be 180 times sweeter than sugar but it’s also deadly, so the next time your sweet tooth has you reaching for an ice cold Diet Cola, have your wife knock it out... It could save your life. ~ Tumor-free Biff http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=19 As a youngster, Biff would play in the open fields for hours on end and on a daily basis, came home with grass stains all over his container. After picking up the nickname “Cranium Chlorophyll” from the other little brains in the neighborhood, Biff’s mother had no choice but to find a way to remove the stains. The following are some of Mrs. Cerebellum’s favorite grass stain removal techniques: - Cover the stain with some dish soap, let it sit for a half an hour and then wash. - Sprinkle some Baking Soda on the stain, scrub gently with a wet brush and wash.
 - Soak a sponge with alcohol or benzene. Then rinse with water. - Pre-treat the stain with vinegar and then wash. Those should do the trick but when you run into some REAL tough stains… Try her favorite technique… - Mix some white sugar and water to make a “Sugar Paste”. Rub it gently into the stain and let it sit for one hour, then wash. To this day, Biff still likes to occasionally roam the open fields, but thanks to his mom’s secret techniques, he's no longer considered a “Stain Brain”. ~ Immaculate Biff http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=18 Just last week, while visiting his aunt Wilda across town, Biff had the scare of his life. As they were having a cup of tea in her quaint little kitchen, the phone rang and in a nanosecond, the soothing soft sounds of the chirping birds outside were replaced with amplified screeching yelps from her 3 Yorkshire Terriers that immediately reverberated off the flower wallpapered walls. Having not had such a gnawing, instant pain in his ears since he heard William Shatner's debut album, Biff peeled himself off of the ceiling and offered the following “dog correcting” tips to his frail old aunt in case her next visitor has a weak heart and eager lawyer. To correct your dog of this behavior, you need to desensitize him to the sound of the ringing telephone. Biff suggests that you put him on a tight leash with minimal slack and let him smell the phone and get familiar with it. Now using your cell, call your home phone and when your dog barks, correct him immediately wth a firm tug, and say "Quiet", "Hush", "Enough"... in a stern voice but don't yell. Continue this process over and over until your dog relates the sound of the phone ringing, to him receiving a correction. Keep in mind that this may take hours but it will work if your patient and persistent. Another tried and true technique is the “no reaction” method. Now Biff suggests that you get yourself a good pair of earplugs for this one or else it could be a long, loud day. The "no reaction" method would be to sit down in your living room with your cell and call your home phone nonstop throughout the day. When it rings, don’t move, don’t speak, don’t make any fuss whatsoever. Do this continuously until your dog gets bored with the ringing and barks no more. If you’re not comfortable “correcting” your pet, you can always get your little buddy an Anti-Bark collar to do it for you. Now before you go and sick PETA on good ol’ Biff, he’s not talking about those cruel “shock” collars that should’ve been banned ages ago. He’s talking about the dog friendly “spray” collars that shoot out a harmless citrus mist that, once it hits their olfactory sense, causes them to stop barking. Not only are they humane, but they’re twice as effective as the shock collars. Remember that anytime you’re trying to make a correction or enforce a rule, you need to remain calm and be assertive. If you’re frustrated or angry, your dog will pick up on that energy and won’t listen to you. Last but not least, always remember to reward your pooch for good behavior. ~ Biff “Sensitive Ears” Cerebellum http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=20 One dull weekend back in his first Semester at “Lobe University”, Biff decided to peruse the campus Library to pass the time. One book led to another and by Sunday evening, Biff had read through the entire shelved inventory, including the Reference Dictionaries, microfilm archives and a 7 book series on “How Grass Grows” (yeah… it was a really boring weekend). The three day “information overload” caused Biff’s cerebrum to expand to 4 times its usual size and when the swelling went down, big nasty stretch marks ran across his Frontal , Parietal and Occipital Lobes. Lucky for Biff, his mullet covered the entire mess until he remembered one book he read that weekend that had some tips on how to treat stretched skin. Needless to say, the mullet is now gone and so are the stretch marks… or so they would “appear”. You see, although you can’t permanently get rid of stretch marks, you can reduce and diminish their appearance until they are hardly visible. So try the following *Biff Tips on getting rid of stretch marks and you’ll be frolicking in your bikini in no time! 1. Take care of your skin. Exfoliate the area and increase circulation regularly via a hot bath and a massage. 2. Use topicals. Creams and oils such as Cocoa Butter, Shea Butter, Castor Oil, Emu Oil, Vitamin E Oil and even Vics Vapor Rub have been used with amazing results. 3. Get smart with your diet. Eat foods that are rich in zinc, silica, vitamin A, C and E and don’t forget your essential fatty acids like vegetable and fish oils, which are good for your skin. 4. Don’t rush things. Like a broken heart, your worst hangover or a giant forehead zit on your first date, in time, all things heal, fade or go away no matter how big or small. If the above natural tips fail to help, don’t reach for that chocolate cake as a comfort food just yet, you do have a few more options such microdermabrasion, laser therapy and prescription retinoids. Of course, preventative measures are the absolute best way to handle any circumstance, that’s why nowadays, before Biff decides to go out on a 3 day, read-a-thon bender, he exfoliates his cerebrum with a loofah and douses it with a bottle of Emu Oil. ~ Mulletless Biff * For those of you who are pregnant, about to get pregnant or are breast feeding, you should consult your doctor before trying any of these Biff Tips. http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=42 When Biff was a wee tyke, Nancy, the nosey neighbor used to come over and visit on a weekly basis and within seconds of her arrival, our happy, energetic household was drained to the core. Her gossiping, complaining and negative attitude towards everything sucked the life energy out of Biff, his mother and Einstein, the family cat. After a few weeks of this, it dawned on him… Nancy was a vampire. Not one that preys on the blood of others, but one that sucks the life energy out of everything in her path. In general, people don’t like to be surrounded with negative things, so the next time you feel your inner vampire sprouting a pair of “negativity fangs”, put a stake in its heart by *trying some of these positive picker-uppers. - Get introspective What do you like about yourself? Your eyes, your hair, your wit, your family… or how about your willingness to become a positive person. - Get appreciative Look at the smaller things that most people overlook and enjoy them. A beautiful sunset, the soothing breeze, the beautiful smell of a flower, a fluttering butterfly… - Get grateful Before going to bed, think about or write all of the things throughout the day, big or small, that put a smile on your face or made you happy. - Get healthy Get a good nights sleep, eat a well balanced diet and exercise 3 to 4 times per week. When you take care of your body, it rewards you with a positive energy that will help you tackle the psychological and/or emotional challenges in your life. - Get motivated Get off of the couch or peel yourself away from the internet and go out and do something that motivates you. - Get volunteering If you can’t find joy or something positive from helping those less fortunate than yourself, check your wrist for a pulse. - Get instinctive The instant you feel a negative feeling or thought come about, replace it with a positive one. - Get attentive Be wary of your environment and make sure that you only surround yourself with positive people. - Get a clue If you can’t change something that is bothering you, change your attitude towards it. On occasion, if you find yourself veering back onto the dark path of gloom, remember the following Nursery Rhyme that Biff’s mother used to read to him when he was down. “There once was a Cerebrum named ‘Blue’, Who lived in an old stinky shoe, He was alone and depressed, And his life as a mess, Because his negative thoughts all came true.” ~ Optimistic Biff *If none of the above steps help you feel more positive, please seek professional help. You may be suffering from a mood disorder such as clinical depression. http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=40 When your chewing the fat with a buddy on the phone instead of studying for your Final Exam, or, farting around on the internet rather than working on that Data Report, it’s of Biff’s opinion, that you have a procrastination problem. There are many things you can do to shake the evil procrastination bug, but Biff will break it down into 3 easy steps so you can spend less time “Reading” and more time “Doing”! 1) Stop getting distracted. Procrastination is nothing more than a bad habit. There are so many distractions these days and a quick fix would be to simply throw out your TV and cancel your internet service. Now Biff doesn’t want you to go into cardiac arrest if you don’t get your daily fix on what Paris wore today or who won the latest ball game, so why not simply try turning off the television and/or closing your web browser and E-mail program. If you have more distractions besides the big 2, figure out what they are and eliminate them! 2) Make a list and prioritize. Now that you’ve eliminated all of your distractions, you need to breakdown what needs to get done and you need prioritize. Take out a piece of paper and list all of the things that you keep putting off. Now take the top 5 most important things from that list and write them on a separate sheet of paper. Number the tasks 1 to 5 with #1 being the most important/urgent. If they’re all of equal importance, begin with the hardest or most unpleasant task first to get it over and done with. 3) Focus and take action. Begin with task #1 on your list and STAY WITH IT UNTIL IT IS COMPLETE! Do not let anything distract you from completing this task, and since you put it at number one, nothing else is more important. If you discipline yourself and commit to the completion of each task in this manner, you will get things done and break the bad habit of procrastination. Remember Biff’s motto: “Without delay, do it right away”. Since Biff really wanted to answer this question over a week ago, but was busy with his Playstation 3 and YouTubing, he’s going to end this by saying “Do as Biff says, not as Biff does”. ~ Dilly-Dally-Biff http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=36 When you eat 3 bags of chips, drink 2 gallons of soda and down a dozen deep fried Twinkies per day, Biff reckons that you should be more concerned about your “eating habits”, rather than thinking about what “strategical” approach to take to losing weight. Companies touting that their magic pill will make you shed all that flab that you put on over the last 5, 10, or 20 years, are making a lot of money off of desperate, lazy people. Just like most crash diets, these pills might help you lose some of those unwanted pounds quickly at first but for long term weight loss, or keeping it off, forget about it! The truth of the matter is, the best and only tried and true method to lose and keep the weight off, is to eat right and exercise regularly. Biff knows that that’s not the answer that you want to hear but he’s here to Enlighten, not humor you. So quit looking for the easy road, follow these 7 NATURAL Biffy quick tips and watch those extra pounds melt away. 1- DIET Eat low-fat, high-fiber foods. Stick with fruits, veggies, eggs, chicken, fish, almonds... If it’s not natural, don’t eat it. Avoid white foods such as white flour, white sugar, salt… and run away as fast as you can from anything that contains hydrogenated oil, high fructose corn syrup or enriched flour. 2- EXERCISE Put on your “stretchy pants” and get-a-moving. Walk at a brisk pace, run, swim, lift weights… It doesn’t matter what you’re doing, as long as your sweating for a minimum of 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week. 3- DEDICATION Do not bother beginning unless you’re ready to commit yourself, mentally and physically, to changing your bad habits. Biff will tell you straight up that it won’t be easy, and the first 2 weeks will be extremely hard, but if you’re determined and follow through, you will see amazing results. 4- GET REAL Don’t look to lose 50lbs, the first week. Set small, realistic goals. Try for 2lbs. the first week. If you attain that goal, try 3 lbs. the following week… 5- EAT MORE FREQUENTLY If you usually eat 3 regular meals per day, try dividing those up into 6 smaller ones. Aside from curbing your habit of “snacking”, this will also increase your body’s metabolism and burns more calories. 6- MEET YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND, MR. H2O Replace ALL drinks with water. Make it a habit of drinking 6 to 8 glasses per day to boost your metabolic rate and regulate your appetite. 7- TREAT YOURSELF For every 10 lbs. that you lose, go out and buy yourself something new to wear. Eating right is not a punishment, it’s a way of life, so have fun with it. As for your other indolent solution, “Gastric Bypass Surgery”... It's becoming so trendy and common nowadays, that Biff can’t help but picture some suave doctor in a drive-thru surgery window giving you the following sales pitch: “Since you don’t have the willpower to keep from stuffing your face with those 3 Double Whoppers and Extra Large Soda, let us shrink your stomach down to the size of a walnut so you physically CAN’T!” The reality is that GBS would in fact make you drop considerable weight on the dreaded scale. Then again, so would removing both of your legs but Biff wouldn’t recommend that either. ~ Biffy Slim http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=35 Dear Lise, Several years ago, Biff had the pleasure of babysitting his neighbors 2 Great Danes for a weekend while she was away on business. The neighbor figured that while she was out of town, she’d have her place repainted and as a result, the four legged behemoths had to stay at Biff’s house and inside since they were her “pampered babies". To make a long story short, there were “accidents”... many of them. Here are some tips that helped Biff remove those pesky stains. As soon as you notice the stain, work on it. The longer you let it sit, the harder it will be to get out. Blot the wet stain with a white rag or towel until you’ve soaked up as much as the urine as possible. Next, lightly spray the stained area with some white vinegar (do not saturate). Let it stand for 5 minutes and then blot out the wet spot some more. Mix 1 tablespoon of fabric detergent (make sure it doesn’t contain any bleach) with 1 cup of warm water and blot the area until it’s clean. That’s it. Needless to say, Biff’s “blotting days” are over. He now swears by wood floors and his current pet of choice is his beloved Goldfish Gord. ~ Spotless Biff http://www.biffthebrain.com/answer.php?id=33